If you’ve ever gone house hunting in Nigeria, you already know it is like entering Big Brother Naija, you’ll cry, laugh, and probably question your entire existence. Their mouth is sweeter than gala on an empty stomach, and by the time you realize you’ve been scammed, you’ve already paid the inspection fee.
If you’ve ever house-hunted in this country, you’ve definitely heard at least three of these:
1. “It’s Close to the Main Road”
Taaaaa
This is a lie from the pit of hell.
This means the house is inside the area and would require a bike and keke to get to the main road. If you now want to trek, it’s a 1 hour trek plus dodging two aggressive dogs, and crossing one mini express.
2. “It’s very spacious.”
They’ll hype the apartment like it’s a football field. You enter and realize even your mattress has to bend to fit inside.
The room is only spacious enough for one person, their shadow, and maybe a toothbrush.
3. “Light is 24/7”
Biggest scam.
Power comes once every three days, for 24 minutes.
Dem no born you well to cook in bulk
The only reliable thing is the sound of generators and NEPA’s disappearance
4. “Security is top-notch.”
Na so
With one tired gateman who disappears at night with a half-dead torchlight and a gate that swings open because it hasn’t locked properly since 2008.
5. “Peaceful and quiet environment.”
It’s peaceful till you move in and find a church with a 7-day vigil program, 3 viewing centers, and a nightclub next door that plays DJ Chicken till dawn.
Congratulations, you now live inside a live concert.
6. “No flooding issues here.”
You just wait till the first rain, and your compound turns to the Atlantic Ocean. Water is seeping from the tiles and your slippers are halfway to Cotonou.
Let’s not even get started on the road, just get your rubber boots ready
7. “We’ll fix everything before you move in.”
By “we,” they mean you and your wallet.
That leaking tap? A broken socket? That cracked window? The broken toilet seat? They’ll suddenly become your responsibility.
You’ll still be fixing that same thing when you’re packing out.
8. “I Can Work With Your Budget”
Just run away when you hear this statement, because they will show you houses ₦200k above your budget and ask you to ‘stretch small.’”
As how nau??
You’ve already told them your budget, they’ll act shocked when you remind them ₦500k is not the same as ₦700k.
Nigerian housing agents deserve Emmy awards for acting.
They’ll promise you a very amazing apartment, collect your inspection fee, and show you a house that looks like an abandoned NYSC camp.
If you’ve survived house hunting with them, congratulations my dear, you can survive anything.
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