A Nigerian version of A Quiet Place? That movie wouldn’t last five minutes before the aliens decided they made a terrible mistake invading this particular country!
Imagine those extraterrestrial creatures landing in Lagos, expecting to enforce silence, only to be greeted by a chorus of honking danfo horns, bus conductors shouting, “Oshodi! Oshodi!” at full volume, and someone frying puff-puff by the roadside with Afrobeats blaring in the background.
The aliens would immediately realize that this is not the place for them. No element of surprise here—their cover would be blown in an instant.
Even if they tried to tiptoe through a Nigerian market, they wouldn’t make it past the first bargaining session before someone yelled, “Madam, no price is like that! Na last price is this!”
Now, let’s get to the Yoruba wedding scenario. Tell a Yoruba mother that she can’t blast her “Ayefele” at maximum volume? Ahn ahn, abomination! “What do you mean I can’t turn up? Iya Iyawo must be celebrated properly!” The woman will either slap sense into the alien or recruit the entire party to strategize how to eliminate it.
That alien better brace for impact, because between the high-energy live band, the talking drum going gbam gbam, and the MC hyping up the crowd, there won’t be a moment of silence. Instead of sneaking up on them, the alien might end up learning a few dance steps,because it has no choice but to move to the beat.
In fact, the poor creature might find itself dragged into the money-spraying ritual, showered with naira notes, and given an aso-ebi before it even understands what’s going on.
And then there’s the Igbo businessman. This one is particularly dangerous for the aliens because money is involved. Imagine an alien trying to enforce silence, and the Igbo trader cannot shout his prices to his customers?
The aliens would find themselves locked in negotiations, being sold Bluetooth speakers, power banks, and probably a few fake “anti-alien charms.” “My brother, buy this one; it’s very strong against alien wahala!” Before the aliens realize what is happening, they’ve not only failed to silence anyone but also accidentally contributed to Nigeria’s booming trade economy.
Even if an alien tries to threaten them, the Igbo trader would probably respond with, “My guy, if you no wan buy, shift! I dey find serious customer.”
In fact, the aliens might try to run, only to be caught in Lagos traffic. Now, they can’t escape, can’t silence the noise, and might even get asked, “Oga alien, shift, let me pass!” At this point, frustrated and overwhelmed, they just pack their intergalactic bags, refund their travel expenses, and abandon their invasion plans forever.
They’ll leave Earth saying, “This planet is loud! We surrender!”
Instead of Nigerians hiding in fear of silence, it’s the aliens who would be traumatized, running back to their spaceship with ringing ears and newfound respect for the loud, lively, and unbothered people of Naija.
One thing’s for sure, A Quiet Place: Nigerian Edition would end with the aliens fleeing, never to return.
So tell me, do you think any Nigerian would actually survive in A Quiet Place—or would the aliens be the ones running for their lives?
