Ekene Aka
Welcome To “Hilarious White Lies We All Tell” PT II
Let’s Gooooooo!!!
“I Dey Hail” (I Greet You): The universal Naija greeting, used even when you’re giving someone the side-eye for that outfit that belongs on Nollywood. “I dey hail ooo,” you say with a forced smile, hoping they don’t notice you judging their clashing asoebi [uniform cloth] patterns.
“I Don Chop” (I’ve Eaten): Perfect for avoiding your mama’s tenth attempt to feed you a plate of pounded yam that could rival a small mountain. “Mama, I don chop belle full already,” you say, praying she doesn’t see the plate of leftover Domino’s pizza hidden under your bed.
“Data Wey Dey My Phone No Dey Work” (The Data On My Phone Isn’t Working): The ultimate excuse to avoid replying to those endless WhatsApp group messages. “Ah ah, this network no wan gree again o! Data no dey work,” you say, hoping nobody notices you’re secretly binge-watching all the latest episodes of “King of Boys” on Netflix.
“I Swear” (I Promise Solemnly): Used to emphasize pretty much anything, even the most trivial statements. “Iya Ijeoma, I swear I no see your pepper!” you say with wide eyes, even though the lingering scent of suya [skewered meat] emanating from your bag tells a different story.
“My Phone Is Dead” (My Phone Battery Is Low): The perfect escape from unwanted conversations or that awkward family member you just don’t feel like talking to. “Ah ah, battery don die pata pata [completely],” you sigh dramatically, shoving your not-so-dead phone back in your pocket.
“Tomorrow I go start” (I’ll Start Tomorrow): The national anthem of procrastination. Applies to everything from that gym membership to finally calling that uncle to thank him for the twenty naira [Nigerian currency] he gave you ten years ago. “Tomorrow I go start,” you say with a determined nod, knowing full well that tomorrow never comes.
Remember, these white lies are all about maintaining harmony and avoiding wahala (trouble). But like Aunty Blessing always says, “Na play o!” Don’t get caught in your own web of lies, and know when to keep it real. After all, abeg, who wants to spend their whole life dodging Aunty Ngozi’s questionable fashion choices?
