Ever so often, we find ourselves thinking about the terrible state of affairs in Nigeria. Sometimes, external factors like traffic or our information minister threatening to bomb Isreal may bring about these thoughts and at other times, your brain just does so of its own accord.
Somewhere along this train of thought, you begin to wonder how your life would have turned out if you weren't born as a Nigerian or at least if you were born into Nigerian when times were simpler. When the Naira could still carry shoulder, exchange rates didn't give you chest pain and nobody was stealing pants to buy Benz.
However, have you thought of your chances of survival if you had been born into another time in Nigeria? Let's time-travel, shall we?
Pre-Slave Trade Era
Millions of women around the world were glued to their TV or mobile device as Meghan Markle walked down the royal aisle.
It is the dream of some to be a part of the royal family and 11th century Nigeria might have just given you that opportunity. Except unlike Meghan's story, there would be no courtship. Basically, the king would have just kidnapped you.
If being kidnapped by a man in his 80s is your fantasy then 11th-century Nigeria is the place to be.
Imagine walking through nature with a pot on your head, singing as the dew-soaked leaves brushed against your feet. You hear a rustle in the leaves and your boyfriend comes out to grab you, he offers to carry the pot all the way home if you'll only stay a while. As he makes sexual advances, you remind him you're keeping your virginity until your wedding night.
A while later, the king's guards suddenly burst out of the woods and drag you all the way to the palace and before you can put words together, you're at the shrine being prepared to be offered to the gods because you're a virgin.
Now, you realize you should have fornicated with bae in the woods.
So, being a virgin in 15 century Nigeria might have not worked out for you.
The air in the 16th century was pure with birds were singing, crops being grown and people were not as obsessed with money. Natural hair thrived, were styled into beautiful cornrows and nobody cared about how many Instagram followers you had.
Think you would have been happy here?
You might have been if the Portuguese had not already landed on the coast ready to sell people into slavery. Chances are, you would have been shipped off to the west in chains so the 15th century might not be your favorite decade to be a Nigerian.
Even today, the culture of the Calabar people still shines through with their widely attractive attrite, the chunky jewellery that adorns their body, the dance that excites spectators and their mouth-water dishes. Now imagine living in Calabar in the 19th century and having access to all the Edikang-Ikong you can eat.
Isn't that grand?
Just make sure you didn't decide to come into the world as a twin or an albino because then you'd not be eating any Edikang-Ikong later in life because they wouldn't be a 'later in life'.
You'd be executed.
What is not to love about this year? Chinua Achebe was inspiring us with literary pieces, Wole Soyinka was blessing us with plays, photographs were in white and black, and the Naira was just N6 to the American Dollar. Life seemed deliciously simple, right?
The Biafran war broke out in 1967 and lasted for two and a half years with more than 2 Million people sent to their graves. It might not have been the best time to go back.
So there you have it. Nigeria might be tough but this is exactly where you are meant to be and thrive. Think about it as I order a box of pizza and a coke.