Sometimes last week, I was in a public bus, minding my business, when the driver got into a heated argument with a road safety officer. Why? Because he allowed the other side of traffic to pass before the light turned red and apparently that was a crime of national interest. The road safety guy was shouting, the driver was shouting back, and somewhere in between the chaos, “You’re incompetent!” was thrown out like a grenade.
That insult must have touched a deep nerve, because the officer lost all composure. He stepped in front of the bus, traffic was building, people were honking like their lives depended on it and these two were still locked in a verbal WWE match in the middle of the road.
And all I could think was: This nonsense can only happen in Lagos.
Because truly, Lagos is not a city. Lagos is a social experiment. A lawless movie set. A chaotic reality show with no script and no break in transmission. And if you live here long enough, you start to understand that logic is optional and sense is often on sabbatical.
Where else do bus drivers reverse on third mainland bridge just because they “missed their turn”?
Or how about when a LASTMA officer enters your car without invitation like he’s your co-pilot, sits down comfortably and says, “Oya move to the office.”
Where else do you see area boys arguing over who should collect money from a pure water seller like there’s a union for street extortion?
Let’s not forget when rain falls for five minutes and suddenly your street becomes Venice. Boats would make more sense than okadas.
Then there’s the classic: NEPA takes light in the middle of someone’s wedding reception, and the DJ shouts “Ehn ehn! We go continue when dem bring am back!” Like that’s a normal thing.
Or that beautiful moment when you hear someone yell, “Conductor, bring my change!” and the conductor casually jumps off the moving bus and vanishes into thin air. No shame, no guilt, just Lagos behavior.
And please, let’s never forget how Uber drivers will use Google Maps to carry you inside a swamp, and still blame you for not knowing your own area. “Ah, but this is what the map dey show nau.”
In Lagos, you can buy gala, power bank, a mattress and a new SIM card all from the traffic but can’t find your change for a ₦200 ride.
Truth is, if it doesn’t feel slightly unhinged, is it even Lagos?
This city will frustrate you, stress you, and leave you asking deep questions about your existence but one thing’s for sure: Lagos will never be boring. It is the capital of unpredictable drama and the homeland of premium nonsense.
Welcome to Lagos where madness isn’t just a mood, it’s a lifestyle.
