If you’ve ever ordered anything in Nigeria; food, clothes, gadgets, even a toothbrush, then you’ve probably crossed paths with the true agents of chaos: dispatch riders.
These guys operate in a different universe. Normal traffic laws? They don’t know her. Customer service? Abeg shift. The only thing predictable about a dispatch rider is that something will definitely go wrong.
Let’s start with the grand entrance. You order something at 10AM. By 11:30, they call you with “Hello, I’m outside.” You run out nobody is outside. You call back. They’re actually in Agege and you’re in Lekki. “No vex, I go reach in 10 minutes.” LIE. Ten minutes turns into three hours and seventeen missed calls, and when they finally show up, they’ll act like you’re the one wasting their time.
And the attitude? Top tier. You’ll be apologizing to them for asking where your own package is. “Oga, abeg no vex, traffic jam me for third mainland.” But deep down you know that man was eating amala at one buka like that.
Let’s not even talk about the calls. Dispatch riders will call you and act like you’re lifelong enemies.
“Hello, where you dey?”
“I’m at home.”
“Which kind home? Come outside now now. I no get time oh.”
Next thing you know, they hang up and you’re standing outside for 30 minutes talking to breeze because Oga has gone to deliver someone else’s package in Surulere.
The worst part? Some of them will even call you to come and meet them halfway. Halfway ke? Did we both order it? Why are you telling me to come to the junction like we’re exchanging ransom?
But as chaotic as they are, dispatch riders are also the unsung heroes of modern Nigeria. Rain or shine, okada ban or no okada ban, they will somehow find a way to deliver that thing you desperately need whether it’s jollof rice or wig glue. They know every shortcut, every back alley, and every street that doesn’t exist on Google Maps.
They might stress you, insult you, and make you question your life choices, but deep down, we all know we can’t live without them. Just don’t expect peace of mind, because with dispatch riders, it’s always vibes and wahala.
