Naija Anti-Bucket List: Experiences We (Probably) Don’t Need

Forget the Maldives, ditch the Eiffel Tower, sometimes the real Naija experience lies in breaking free from the overhyped and embracing the uniquely Nigerian. So, put down that generic bucket list and grab your palm wine, because we’re crafting the ultimate Naija Anti-Bucket List:

1. E choke for traffic: Remember that “small thing” you needed to get done 10 minutes ago? Yeah, good luck with that. Factor in at least 2 hours for any journey, even if it’s “just down the road.” Bonus points if you experience “one-chance” or “go-slow.”

2. Generator fumes for breakfast: Who needs fresh air when you can have the intoxicating aroma of diesel exhaust to wake you up? Bonus points if the power cuts out right when your NEPA bill arrives.

3. Auntie Ngozi’s wedding guest list: Brace yourself for unsolicited advice, endless introductions, and enough jollof rice to feed a small village. Don’t forget your dancing shoes, because sitting is frowned upon. 

4. NEPA bill shock therapy: Remember that feeling of accomplishment after paying your bills? NEPA has a special surprise waiting for you. Prepare for heart palpitations and the urge to argue with a transformer.

5. Arguing with Agbero over ₦50: We all know the struggle. Avoid eye contact, pretend you’re deaf, or simply offer a prayer for their sanity. Remember, your peace is priceless.

6. Market price negotiation Olympics: Unleash your inner haggling champion! Be prepared for theatrics, guilt trips, and the occasional “God bless you” thrown in for good measure. Remember, the goal is to leave feeling slightly ripped off, but victorious nonetheless.

7. Family gathering interrogation: Prepare to answer the same questions about your love life, career, and financial status for the 100th time. Bonus points if you get compared to your successful cousin who lives abroad. 

8. Rainstorm flood adventure: Turn your street into a makeshift river! Navigate surprise potholes, wade through ankle-deep water, and pray your car doesn’t float away. Bonus points if you witness someone using a canoe to get around.

9. Owambe owu blues: So you thought you budgeted for the owambe? Think again! Prepare for surprise asoebi contributions, endless rounds of drinks, and the pressure to spray money like it’s confetti. Bonus points if you wake up with a headache and an empty wallet.

10. “Oga, come and chop” guilt trip: That delicious plate of food your neighbor so kindly offered? Be prepared for the guilt trip that comes with it. Now you’re obligated to return the favor, even if your bank account is screaming “no!”

 

Remember, this list is meant to be humorous and relatable, not a negative portrayal of Nigerian life. After all, these shared experiences are what make us who we are, warts and all. So go forth, conquer your Naija Anti-Bucket List (or not), and enjoy the ride!